i:
-judge on appearances
-judge on tastes
-have a sensitive nose
-dislike 'smalltalk'
-dislike pretentiousness
-have strong opinions
-like hipster shit, even though its pretentious
-am not cool
-love animals and fishes
-try to be happy
-like being nice to people
-am a sucker for love
-have a history of making bad decisions
-am trying not to repeat my mistakes
-need to create
-wish i was a musician but have yet to learn an instrument
-wish i was famous
-need to be busy
-have been to sixteen countries
-have five tattoos
-am always cold, except when in the caribbean
-wish i was smarter
-would be lost without music
-sometimes think it would be nice to communicate solely through written words
-will speak spanish someday
-don't know how to relax
-traded an alcohol addiction for a shopping addiction
-think scuba diving is a good way to meditate
-am feeling for the edge of the abyss with one foot
-drink too much coffee
-have insomnia
-think i am crazy
-am trying to talk myself out of liking you

i drink my wine, i listen to the melancholy songs that fill my soul with longing and echoes in the emptiness. you sing: i'm afraid of everyone. i don't have the drugs to work it out.

i try to forget. forget my dreams. i am already forgetting your face. i am already letting you go, join the flood of the past. it was as i had always known it would be, in the dusty corners of my forgotten heart, too good to be true. too lovely to be real. so much more than i could ever hope for, though exactly as i have always wished. and you, you.

if only your ghost would leave me to suffer in peace.

i fell down a well of hope
when the winds picked up
and swirled around us
you just stood back and watched it all
dissolve

i need to fill in these empty spaces
distractions to kill the time
the voices inside
start a war

but the dreams are so real
the beautiful trees in bloom, cherry
grass oh so green, late afternoon
and the wings we grew
violent

it will bring you
bring you to the ground
and i will leave you
on your knees
a face to taunt my heart dark
forever

lose it, loose the knot now
the static that tries to hold you back
the world that would pin you down
escape escape

this is your life.

a while ago, he told her: life isn't ever going to be like a movie, why can't you understand that?

she will always hold a secret hope in her heart that someday, she will find the perfect life.

he doesn't return her calls anymore.

she buries herself in distractions, books, the television, technology. short and meaningless conversations. she dreams of light streaming through her eyelashes, making shadows of cliff faces, sun-burst bright behind the hair of a man's head, making a shadow of his face, knowing that there is laughter.

i want to play piano and dance ballet. i want to write beautiful prose and live underwater. in the warm caribbean sea i move with grace, truly free. someday i will fly down the mountain's face, at cj's. and at the bottom i will find what i have always sought... peace.

i dream of horses. being borne away with elegance, with power. radiant in the afternoon sun.

'ça suffit.'

it is not the holidays yet, and i am already into love actually, amelie, and sliding doors. oh, and pride and prejudice too, the one with colin firth (i love him). i guess its never too early to wallow in hopeless romanticism.

secretly, i hope this is never seen. but i pray you read my mind.

i let my love go, i let you fly free into the open air of the miles between us. if you think of me, remember me. if you stoop to take my hand, i will curtsey appropriately and hide my eyes, until you dig my heart from my bloody chest and warm my blue fingers with your breath. everyone can see how little i deserve you, your undying affection - i am but a poor sailor upon the seas of youth/despair/financial insecurity. and you are so, so much my superior. how you have charmed me, and i believe. and god knows how i love you so wholly. fuck timing! it has nothing to do with anything. if things are meant to be they will. this world is only a few miles wide when we have things like aeroplanes. this life was made for spontaneous pursuits.

sure i want all this shit. moneycarclothesgold. but i want the best. a tt, it has to be silver otherwise you miss the impact of the black grill and it looks so good like that. and custom leather knee-high riding boots, black and chestnut two-toned, and the skinny legs that are prerequisites to boots like those. i want white gold and i don't give a shit about diamonds, but gimme watches and bags and shoes. give me the sunnies and hair and the body to match, please. glamour. its all this city craves.

all i have to offer is angst.