this place is a whirlwind of chaos drunkenness laziness. i couldn't sleep if i wanted to. maybe if i was drunk. it is fantastic and at the same time i am weary of this life. no, not this life. certain elements of this existence. there is so much vacuousness sometimes. how can you not feel the pull of the emptiness? to stuff cotton into the wound is all. the temporary fixes plug for a bit but never clot the blood. sex and substance.
fucking german keyboards all backwards. fucking israeli boys. i will never sleep tonight.
in the eye of minor storms i am lost. oh tornado pick me up and twirl me into the air into oblivion. find for me the passion i so desperately crave. find for me a face that will mirror mine in the light in the eyes. i know that there will never be one that can know every nuance, but is it not right that there should be one that will try?
28 April 2011
if this is heaven
i think i died last night. my memory is a big black hole. my lungs are sore. my ribs ache. my stomach, well...
i had dreams that i wanted to write down when i awoke but those faded from memory as soon as light touched my eyelids. they were dreams of you. and you. and you.
love is not blind, only ignorant. or really, more likely, it knows exactly what it is doing, but turns and laughs in your face as it reaches groping hands out to the wrong man. love is shallow and it is not blind because if it were, i would be okay with the good boy with the less handsome face. and i have not yet learned to close my eyes.
i had dreams that i wanted to write down when i awoke but those faded from memory as soon as light touched my eyelids. they were dreams of you. and you. and you.
love is not blind, only ignorant. or really, more likely, it knows exactly what it is doing, but turns and laughs in your face as it reaches groping hands out to the wrong man. love is shallow and it is not blind because if it were, i would be okay with the good boy with the less handsome face. and i have not yet learned to close my eyes.
22 April 2011
to all the boys
watched the sun break the dark of night from the bowels of the bar after nineteen hours straight of work, oh wait i went home for one hour, so not nearly but close enough... the worst thing was being sober. i don't know why red bull and rum makes me feel ill but a pastelito and a joint at six am was good to get to sleep.
the weather has turned so strange these past few days wind on the water fog and no sun to be seen but feeling the humidity. its waiting coiling to spring into a fury of gustiness or oppressive heat. i want to leave. i need a change i'm chasing a feeling i need to move to breathe
the shadows of my life are shifting swirling while i stand and observe. its not enough. so i'll let this wind lift me and carry me your way even if only fleetingly. we'll see.
your face in my mind in my memory
the weather has turned so strange these past few days wind on the water fog and no sun to be seen but feeling the humidity. its waiting coiling to spring into a fury of gustiness or oppressive heat. i want to leave. i need a change i'm chasing a feeling i need to move to breathe
the shadows of my life are shifting swirling while i stand and observe. its not enough. so i'll let this wind lift me and carry me your way even if only fleetingly. we'll see.
your face in my mind in my memory
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