i do not like sleeping without you. my fears creep in unbidden. the nightmares, that first night, of torture and cruelty have lodged in the back of my mind. preying on the empty space of my arms encircling nothing.

you know, that when we sleep i must be touching you. even in unconsciousness i move close; my heart cannot bear the strain of letting you away from me.

the ocean of my darkest fears, lapping at the shore of my stability, what keeps my mind from sleep... the python that constricts my torso and closes my throat. the what-ifs: a car crash, a plane crash, cancer, respiratory arrest, cardiac arrest with no aed in sight, no ems to call, dcs - goddamn those cigarettes, a hurricane, old age come to claim us all, degenerative diseases with abbreviated names, fantastical scenarios with tolkein in mind, a mosquito bite, atrial fibrillation (resulting from congenital heart disease), all the frailty and fragility of the human body. of life.

if anything were to happen to you, to threaten your existence in this world... i dread it with all my soul. nothing in this life is certain. there is no point in wasting time trying to guard myself from you, hurt me if you will but at least i can say i gave you everything openly. and i will. i will.