i want to change lives.

i want to change lives with someone else.

how was it last night, with no strings attached? was it everything you ever dreamed it would be?

random hearts

my oldest friend in the world is getting married. we were friends even before we were born. we haven't always been close, but have always had an easy friendship. we were once mistaken for twins when we were kids, even though he is blonde.

the first toll of the bell.

you may be the coldest person i know, but i am the cruelest by far.

random hearts that beat for each other, random hearts in a cruel cruel world. (p.s. it was that friend who gave me this song, how coincidentally these disparate thoughts collide)

its the bliss that's missing.

again, again

i chased an eagle ray on a single breath of air the other day, and it was better than flying. the silence, my estranged friend, met me once again. disco fish and other small wonders among the lettuce corals. what dreams are made of.

one evening i dreamed that rays shifted shapes with sharks and we were standing on the bridge of atlantis. you are still shifting shapes. it is a different grin each time we meet, sometimes soft sometimes sinister. i have an uneasy feeling that we are making enemies again.

it is beginning to sound like a record on repeat. it is beginning to feel the same. again again again. its not you. its not me. its both and nothing and everything at once. its this mindset. i am resenting this place. 

royal blush

watching the wedding the other day it seemed so ridiculous. i was never one of those girls. dolls are creepy and so is commitment. lace and flower trimmings and churches and and vows cut into diamonds. i have mixed feelings. for so long i never thought i would ever...but now i am beginning to think it is something i will one day want my life to be. not the in the eyes of god shit but the forever part.

and she is younger than i and who wouldn't want that? thousands, no, millions, screaming your name and to be young and beautiful and powerful and famous. a prince! who wouldn't want that?

sleep is for the weak

this place is a whirlwind of chaos drunkenness laziness. i couldn't sleep if i wanted to. maybe if i was drunk. it is fantastic and at the same time i am weary of this life. no, not this life. certain elements of this existence. there is so much vacuousness sometimes. how can you not feel the pull of the emptiness? to stuff cotton into the wound is all. the temporary fixes plug for a bit but never clot the blood. sex and substance.

fucking german keyboards all backwards. fucking israeli boys. i will never sleep tonight.

in the eye of minor storms i am lost. oh tornado pick me up and twirl me into the air into oblivion. find for me the passion i so desperately crave. find for me a face that will mirror mine in the light in the eyes. i know that there will never be one that can know every nuance, but is it not right that there should be one that will try?

if this is heaven

i think i died last night. my memory is a big black hole. my lungs are sore. my ribs ache. my stomach, well...

i had dreams that i wanted to write down when i awoke but those faded from memory as soon as light touched my eyelids. they were dreams of you. and you. and you.

love is not blind, only ignorant. or really, more likely, it knows exactly what it is doing, but turns and laughs in your face as it reaches groping hands out to the wrong man. love is shallow and it is not blind because if it were, i would be okay with the good boy with the less handsome face. and i have not yet learned to close my eyes.

to all the boys

watched the sun break the dark of night from the bowels of the bar after nineteen hours straight of work, oh wait i went home for one hour, so not nearly but close enough... the worst thing was being sober. i don't know why red bull and rum makes me feel ill but a pastelito and a joint at six am was good to get to sleep.

the weather has turned so strange these past few days wind on the water fog and no sun to be seen but feeling the humidity. its waiting coiling to spring into a fury of gustiness or oppressive heat. i want to leave. i need a change i'm chasing a feeling i need to move to breathe

the shadows of my life are shifting swirling while i stand and observe. its not enough. so i'll let this wind lift me and carry me your way even if only fleetingly. we'll see.

your face in my mind in my memory