i am torn in two.

i need distractions to keep me from facing this reality. please lie to me and say everything will be okay. these things that used to be mine, in a past life. it was all so familiar now alien and strange. the future presses against me, tomorrow so close, so bleak. this is not my world, i have no need for these things. these people that are not mine. what do i do with this?

there are some things that scar your soul forever.

as we all stood there, waiting, holding our collective breath, he could not wait any longer. death is a merciful shepherd. he could not even speak. i do not know if he even felt us there anymore. we knew it was coming, that last slow shallow breath. and then we were there without him. a body is just a shell, a loose cage. i wanted so badly to run, to never stop running. but i could do nothing, just stand and hold on, to my mother, my sister, his sister, his mother, his brother. i was twenty-one in 2004. he was almost twenty-four. almost. twenty-six days later, i got my first tattoo. it was going to say “never forget” in latin, in a banner underneath, but that would have been superfluous. i will never forget who it is for.

--

we were in the hallway. at the foot of the stairs, outside my apartment door. i think there was a carpet on the old draughty wood floor. i froze. it is what i am most ashamed of. it caught me by surprise is all. the fierceness of his grip on my shoulders. the look in his eyes. he was not then the man i thought i knew. it was nothing, but it was everything. was that the same night he locked me out? that jon stayed on our couch, when we figured out he was crazy?

xxxxx – the other night, thursday, when we got home and i undressed, two small marbles fell out of my bra (haha, weird). i vaguely recall receiving them from somebody in tranqs, as if they were a personal treasure, so i put them in the only place i could keep them since i had no pockets. i can’t remember for the life of me who they came from. but i wanted to keep them and now i’ve left them in my abandonded room. i miss you.

i am going back to an empty room and a narrow bed, the same i’ve had since childhood. it is all the same and it is unfamiliar. it is all empty. a bleak wintry desert road punctuated by a hopeful turning in the distance that will be a visit from you.

i watch lightning from the black window. we are above it, above the clouds, above the earth. we are somewhere between where you sleep and where i will set foot in my country for the first time in fourteen months. i wish it were not so soon. i wish we could go on like we had been. forever and forget the world. when we kissed that was the only existence i could fathom. the universe collapsed into your lips. your hair beneath my hands. a caress. i never want to open my eyes. i explode into stars. just our atomic particles streaming into space. sparking light in a dark dark world.

i cried on the ferry as we left the island behind. i watched the cays recede and disappear. i’ve left my home, again. i know so much about that place. it is embedded in my soul. the world beneath the water is as familiar now as anywhere. it is more intimate and secret than anything spoken aloud. what is waiting for us there. if we hadn’t turned in just the right moment that manta would fly as gracefully behind us with no thought of what we’d miss. i know this happens all the time. the creatures that surround me unseen i am comforted somehow. just the fact of their existence is enough. its enough. i always think, if i am patient, if i relax my mind and my eyes, the sea will share with me its secrets. what am i without the sea? i do not know anymore. i cried for leaving her.

utila is my home and so are you.

i am shaking. in fear of your indifference. i want to ask you, but i won't be able to bear the weight of no, maybe, you're a cool girl but...

its like punching in a dream, breathing life into the nightmare.

its all i think of these days. i can't eat, can't sleep. oh wicked time, why won't you stop my beating heart?

this is the same.same but different. i don't even know you! i love you! but i am just a crazy girl.

so... i hope this doesn't sound strange, but despite not really knowing you, you seem cool and i'd like to hang out sometime. even though we are vagabonds living in different cities, different countries, what is there to lose?

i admit, all i ever want is to be embraced, adored, essential. and is it so wrong of me to want to go where you are, to let you see that i feel for you. there must be a strength in the way you hold onto me. even if just for a whisper, a lie, a blink, it must be something. if it is not, then what is the point of living?

sweet... disposition

in that moment, it was decided. a moment of... we talked about the song. the song was all we could say. our hearts swelled. a dream, a laugh. and i could not even look you in the eyes as we parted. no, it is not better that way. i wish there were more moments to follow, moments frayed into eternal time, space. there was something there.

ah, such a dream. it is difficult not to fall in love every other day. and if i chance to chase you, would you be pleased?

this is the part where you should shut your eyes. this is a series of bad decisions. this is going under the break, sucked back into the wave. echoes of strange voices with robotic tones and throbbing bass lines, darkness and coloured light. i am not too -- for experimentation. i remember what you told me last night, i wish i would have known back then. but its too late now. and its better this way, anyways. sometimes friends are just that.

and now he's gone, and that's good too.

i thought of you* last night, and i wonder if i made a mistake. there would be regret edged into your* memory either way. but i'll see you* again, that i'm sure of.

lose losing lost

adrift.

the better i begin to know myself, the more i have come to realize that i am partially insane.

(you may be right, i may be crazy, but it just might be a lunatic you're looking for...)

embrace what we have been given.

sometimes i wish i could fill in the blanks, the negative spaces and black holes surrounded by memory. fading in/out like some scratchy radio signal in the middle of the desert. i see your face, i know the color of the shirt you were wearing. you were surrounded by darkness and engulfed in sound. i hope you smiled. i hope i didn't say anything too stupid or revealing. i suspect you are too young, but its the summer. lets listen to best coast and watch the sun set over this island. we could hold hands. i could lean my head on your shoulder. we could stretch this moment into an infinite memory.