sweet... disposition

in that moment, it was decided. a moment of... we talked about the song. the song was all we could say. our hearts swelled. a dream, a laugh. and i could not even look you in the eyes as we parted. no, it is not better that way. i wish there were more moments to follow, moments frayed into eternal time, space. there was something there.

ah, such a dream. it is difficult not to fall in love every other day. and if i chance to chase you, would you be pleased?

this is the part where you should shut your eyes. this is a series of bad decisions. this is going under the break, sucked back into the wave. echoes of strange voices with robotic tones and throbbing bass lines, darkness and coloured light. i am not too -- for experimentation. i remember what you told me last night, i wish i would have known back then. but its too late now. and its better this way, anyways. sometimes friends are just that.

and now he's gone, and that's good too.

i thought of you* last night, and i wonder if i made a mistake. there would be regret edged into your* memory either way. but i'll see you* again, that i'm sure of.

lose losing lost

adrift.

the better i begin to know myself, the more i have come to realize that i am partially insane.

(you may be right, i may be crazy, but it just might be a lunatic you're looking for...)

embrace what we have been given.

sometimes i wish i could fill in the blanks, the negative spaces and black holes surrounded by memory. fading in/out like some scratchy radio signal in the middle of the desert. i see your face, i know the color of the shirt you were wearing. you were surrounded by darkness and engulfed in sound. i hope you smiled. i hope i didn't say anything too stupid or revealing. i suspect you are too young, but its the summer. lets listen to best coast and watch the sun set over this island. we could hold hands. i could lean my head on your shoulder. we could stretch this moment into an infinite memory.

i want to change lives.

i want to change lives with someone else.

how was it last night, with no strings attached? was it everything you ever dreamed it would be?

random hearts

my oldest friend in the world is getting married. we were friends even before we were born. we haven't always been close, but have always had an easy friendship. we were once mistaken for twins when we were kids, even though he is blonde.

the first toll of the bell.

you may be the coldest person i know, but i am the cruelest by far.

random hearts that beat for each other, random hearts in a cruel cruel world. (p.s. it was that friend who gave me this song, how coincidentally these disparate thoughts collide)

its the bliss that's missing.

again, again

i chased an eagle ray on a single breath of air the other day, and it was better than flying. the silence, my estranged friend, met me once again. disco fish and other small wonders among the lettuce corals. what dreams are made of.

one evening i dreamed that rays shifted shapes with sharks and we were standing on the bridge of atlantis. you are still shifting shapes. it is a different grin each time we meet, sometimes soft sometimes sinister. i have an uneasy feeling that we are making enemies again.

it is beginning to sound like a record on repeat. it is beginning to feel the same. again again again. its not you. its not me. its both and nothing and everything at once. its this mindset. i am resenting this place. 

royal blush

watching the wedding the other day it seemed so ridiculous. i was never one of those girls. dolls are creepy and so is commitment. lace and flower trimmings and churches and and vows cut into diamonds. i have mixed feelings. for so long i never thought i would ever...but now i am beginning to think it is something i will one day want my life to be. not the in the eyes of god shit but the forever part.

and she is younger than i and who wouldn't want that? thousands, no, millions, screaming your name and to be young and beautiful and powerful and famous. a prince! who wouldn't want that?