i do not like sleeping without you. my fears creep in unbidden. the nightmares, that first night, of torture and cruelty have lodged in the back of my mind. preying on the empty space of my arms encircling nothing.

you know, that when we sleep i must be touching you. even in unconsciousness i move close; my heart cannot bear the strain of letting you away from me.

the ocean of my darkest fears, lapping at the shore of my stability, what keeps my mind from sleep... the python that constricts my torso and closes my throat. the what-ifs: a car crash, a plane crash, cancer, respiratory arrest, cardiac arrest with no aed in sight, no ems to call, dcs - goddamn those cigarettes, a hurricane, old age come to claim us all, degenerative diseases with abbreviated names, fantastical scenarios with tolkein in mind, a mosquito bite, atrial fibrillation (resulting from congenital heart disease), all the frailty and fragility of the human body. of life.

if anything were to happen to you, to threaten your existence in this world... i dread it with all my soul. nothing in this life is certain. there is no point in wasting time trying to guard myself from you, hurt me if you will but at least i can say i gave you everything openly. and i will. i will.

enough about love. let's try something less controversial...

hmm, i did have something to say, but it seems that like most of my good ideas, it has but floated by in my head without stopping to stay.

i do have BIG IDEAS about life and the like. really, i do. but stringing the strands of thought together into cohesive sentences just seems beyond my abilities lately.

i have been starting to realise that my upbringing is not as intelligent as i had been wont to imagine. i was never asked to form strong opinions, i was never pushed to be great at anything, i didn't have to form myself into anyone complete. i don't know that it would be called lack of opportunity. and to say that if only we had had more money things would have been different, i can't say. i have always been a worshipper of the cult of money. i am the hillsborough daughter, switched at birth, whose wealthy parents took home the poor peoples kid. so anyways, that may skew my opinions on the matter slightly. but what if we had had private school educations? i have always had a sort of stubborn pride in my public school education, like yeah, i went to that school where there are gangs and neo-nazis and its more hispanic than white. so what? i went to a private east coast university and i even know someone who went to stanford. but most of the kids who went to university stayed in california. no one went to harvard or yale or columbia. could we have done more, been better advantaged if we had not gotten the free education our american birth right offered us? if we had had a real theater at school, if there had been good music classes, parents who could donate not only money but social status, class, mercs and beamers and back yard pools? european summer vacations, summer homes, cape cod and boat shoes. would it have made a damn difference? i never thought i would be one of those people, a believer in private (catholic even!) education. who gives a shit about the religious aspect, but i suppose it could either give a kid morals, or the fodder for a specific kind of catholic hatred that i have only heard of and never experienced.

yes, if it seems too good to be true, it is.

either:
1. this is a jane austen story and it will turn out that it is either some one else's kid, or it's yours but you're separated/single/something else and we will live happily ever after... after much misunderstanding, crossed signals and anxiety
or:
2. this is real life, and it is yours, and you are as good as married (where is your ring?). and why i ever thought you were interested can be put down to life being what it is, full of wishful thinking and stupid assumptions

and you. you are new. how did i not see it before? someone once whispered the word boyfriend when you walked by. i assumed it was you, but now i'm not so sure. god i wish it isn't you. the people i thought might know don't. they don't even notice you but i do. if only dreams ever came true, this is what would happen: either, you would come in some afternoon alone, just to ask me... or, as i am walking in/out the door, just outside the glass wall, you would appear out of nowhere, grab me and kiss me fully and just like that we would fall in love. but dammit, it is not going to happen, is it? every time you are with clients or co-workers, never alone on your skateboard anymore. and i'm sure you're someone's already. it would just be too good to be true. should i let you know?

the first thing i saw when i woke up were your words. wish it would've been your eyes instead. the flames that surround your name continue to burn low. oh that i could forget you, how much worse. always.

i:
-judge on appearances
-judge on tastes
-have a sensitive nose
-dislike 'smalltalk'
-dislike pretentiousness
-have strong opinions
-like hipster shit, even though its pretentious
-am not cool
-love animals and fishes
-try to be happy
-like being nice to people
-am a sucker for love
-have a history of making bad decisions
-am trying not to repeat my mistakes
-need to create
-wish i was a musician but have yet to learn an instrument
-wish i was famous
-need to be busy
-have been to sixteen countries
-have five tattoos
-am always cold, except when in the caribbean
-wish i was smarter
-would be lost without music
-sometimes think it would be nice to communicate solely through written words
-will speak spanish someday
-don't know how to relax
-traded an alcohol addiction for a shopping addiction
-think scuba diving is a good way to meditate
-am feeling for the edge of the abyss with one foot
-drink too much coffee
-have insomnia
-think i am crazy
-am trying to talk myself out of liking you

i drink my wine, i listen to the melancholy songs that fill my soul with longing and echoes in the emptiness. you sing: i'm afraid of everyone. i don't have the drugs to work it out.

i try to forget. forget my dreams. i am already forgetting your face. i am already letting you go, join the flood of the past. it was as i had always known it would be, in the dusty corners of my forgotten heart, too good to be true. too lovely to be real. so much more than i could ever hope for, though exactly as i have always wished. and you, you.

if only your ghost would leave me to suffer in peace.

i fell down a well of hope
when the winds picked up
and swirled around us
you just stood back and watched it all
dissolve

i need to fill in these empty spaces
distractions to kill the time
the voices inside
start a war

but the dreams are so real
the beautiful trees in bloom, cherry
grass oh so green, late afternoon
and the wings we grew
violent

it will bring you
bring you to the ground
and i will leave you
on your knees
a face to taunt my heart dark
forever

lose it, loose the knot now
the static that tries to hold you back
the world that would pin you down
escape escape